I ADMIT I WAS LOSING OR MAYBE LOST MY FAITH

I finally arrived home from our Stake Conference. It was beautiful and I appreciate one of the sisters for picking me up because I wouldn’t know where I’d be driving to and GPS on slow data doesn’t help.

Since I’ve been in Cleveland I looked at Cleveland as God’s country through my own eyes. It’s beautiful to sit on top of the hill looking up and into the sky as if I can feel the presence of our father in heaven. Then looking down and make my own comparison… Up? or Down? Asking myself what I need to do to better myself being here and better my family here spiritually. We are all in the remodeling spiritual mode.

Since the passing of my son 11 years ago. I have become a very “emotional” person especially in church, or family talks. No one in the ward I’ve attended will ever come to understand the tears follow my remarks — A loss of a child only those that have experienced what I and my kids went through. Tears are unstoppable and I can’t fight it because somewhere along the line – I blame me!! Everything all of sudden is sensitive.

My faith was tested and I grew stronger and stronger although most of my children were falling away from the church one by one. I wasn’t holding back but continue to attend on a regular basis until that bench became empty and I felt alone.

I was burnt out – we lost our family values, family connection as well as our spiritual connection with one another. I don’t think anyone can give the answers to their questions — WHY?

Today I sat in Stake Conference and listen to the talks where most were connected to FAITH .. I broke down because I’m known as “TIQ A WOMAN OF GREAT STRENGTH” ( meaning great faith) – I realized now that I lost faith in my entire family, and myself. It’s not supposed to be this way. It’s supposed to be you lack faith and I strengthen. But I didn’t see it coming until I’ve finally acknowledged that my faith was no longer there. Yes, only 4 months here and I lost faith in my family here in Tennessee – No one knows the Lord, or even read or look at the scriptures – oh I forgot we don’t have any besides our app. even that is overlooked.

It finally clicked in that I need to get myself together because when I lack faith? My family doesn’t move spiritually – everyone is back to the same old gaming, up late, do as they please until I scream from the top of my lungs. I had a break this past week with my son being home. Oh, how beautiful it is for the house to run smoothly when he’s home. One call and everyone is scrambling doing the running man even his wife smh why does it have to be this way?

I don’t feel connected to anyone in the new ward In a way that I should or maybe it’s just me my being to open or “detailed” as If I’m Blogging and not speaking –

Everyone comes from different backgrounds so everyone’s personality/demeanor/attitude CAN perceive with a negative attitude – or – passing judgment OR just being quiet minding their business – I’m not used to that. I went from smiles to the curiosity of others.

The teachings of the gospel will ALWAYS remain the same. I want those teachings to be embedded and actions follow. I know I have to be a better person and meet God’s expectations to be Christlike – oh that is soooooooooo hard:) GRRRRRRRR!

Faith Through Actions Perceive Miracles – I myself have been preaching this throughout the years for a long long time.

Speaking with one of the sisters – we connected and my eyes lit up to hear her story and taking in her words of spiritual advice. I needed to hear that – oh my it was comforting. I need to fulfill a spiritual goal. Because I fall off that spiritual grid and disappear – Only I can feel that spiritual timing, I also know it’s spiritual perfection that I seek that I don’t want to fail because failing I cannot handle and I’ve seen many fallbacks in others – I can’t! I need my peace of mind. I need my spirit to be calm and not to be subjective to every negativity that arises unexpectedly.

My spirit does NOT deserve it – Faith, you better come back over here😉I Need YOU!

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